Not here

I'm doing my best today. A great relief to come home today and not see you here, sprawled out on the couch in your drunkenness, perfume and hairspray bottles emptied - another couch needing to be replaced at a time where I certainly could not afford it. I spent most of the last day worried that somehow you got into the apartment. I knew you didn't have a key, but you would have snuck mine off its ring and made a copy. You might be shocked I would think that of you, but you have lied to me over and over again to keep your addictions going so nothing should surprise me.
When I turned the key I held my breath praying I didn't hear the television on, I walked in....and everything was as I left it. I let out a deep sigh, happy that you are not here. Instead I have the lesser of the two evils. Instead of having you here and seeing the mess and checking your breath for air, hiding bottles and dragging my cleaning supplies out to the car amongst any other liquid in the house I could think of, I walked into the quiet and peace. The depression and worry followed me in, but the extreme stress did not. If you aren't here, I can detach and not watch you destroy yourself. I can imagine it, sure. But I don't have the front row seat to it.

It's strange being here alone. The dog isn't even here. It's just me. I am afraid I will hear the door knock, but I hope you don't because id be afraid I would open it. I can't do that to you or myself anymore. I hope you are okay. I miss you. I wish you were here (not as a drinker but as the sober guy who was just here a few days ago cuddling up to me). I know I have been distant lately - for a long time even. My anger and resentment bubble up from all the inaction and the rubber-banding, and the months of deceit - trying to make sense of how you can love me the way you go on about, but have your actions show me the opposite. This is where my feelings get confusing. My love for you is deep, but each time this happens a little part of me breaks and my hope for any kind of future together darkens. This shows itself in the way I seem - almost like I don't care because I must stop myself from caring so much as it always, always, leads to disappointment.