Day One – Wine O’ Clock

So it's 2:44 pm, getting closer to wine o' clock. Last night I told my husband I needed to go buy some limes for the guacamole, I bought limes and a cheap bottle of merlot. If I work really hard, I can stay sober, but always find excuses to allow myself to have "just one glass". Lol, right...

Despite feeling hungover every day from the bottle of wine I drank the night before, I eat healthy, I practice yoga, I run, I create some art, I cook and bake, and I pride myself at being a hands on mom and a doting wife. Not at night, it all goes into reverse after the third glass of wine.

So last night, which was pretty much like every other night, I drank too much and basically opened up to my husband about some feelings I had about a young and pretty coworker liking his Facebook post. Earlier when I was sober and I saw this girl, I had felt a little jealous but not too overwhelming. I told myself to get over it, it's not a big deal, I'm on my period and I'm being jealous...which is not pretty. After the wine, whatever I am feeling earlier that day comes out as attacks on my husband. My husband is awesome. He fights back, sometimes dirty, but I honestly know I cause most of our fights. Despite my addiction to alcohol, he is full of support and love for me. He wants me to stop drinking of course, and I do, too.

The drinking started when I was 16, sneaking out with my boyfriend at night and drinking a ton of beer. As my tastes matured I slowly started drinking wine at night. Eventually the drinking wine at night became excessive in my 20's. I am now 41. I stopped and relapsed over a hundred times. I stopped for 4 months to train and run in a marathon 3 years ago. I can do this.

How can something that doesn't have a heartbeat have so much power and control over me? I absolutely cannot live my only one life that God blessed me with this way. The demons are haunting me.

Struggling. Ashamed. Guilty. Tired. Afraid. Loser. Weak. Depressed. Sick. Headache.