Day 8 – The Purge

I was a single mom when I was 24. When my daughter was only 3, my bestie and I decided to spontaneously pack up and head out for the weekend to Houston. My toddler was already the adventurous type, and ran to her room to pack her little suitcase. As she walked out with sunglasses on, suitcase in hand, she said, "I'm weddy to go." I checked her suitcase, it was just stocked full of all her barbies. My bestie and I giggled and we went to help her pack some clothes, too. My bestie had some friends in Houston that had kids, and a nanny. I was not the type of mommy that left my little girl alone with strangers, and was very protective of her. My bestie convinced me that my daughter was fine with their nanny and I needed some free time, and we NEEDED to go to a huge party at this mansion. As I told my daughter that she was to stay with these strangers, her eyes welled up with tears and she begged me not to leave her. Reluctantly, I left my daughter with the nanny, and the other two kids, overnight. We all went out together, and they seemed like really good people, they lived in a really beautiful home, so I felt she was safe...but that wasn't the problem. Her mommy, the only one in the entire world that could make her feel safe, left her behind with a stranger. I felt so guilty, but went ahead to the party and got smashed, of course. Took care of that guilt! Not only did I end up in bed with a stranger that night (drunk wh*re) I didn't get my daughter until the next day at 5:00pm. So while mommy was still partying at the pool, getting hammered the next day, she was wondering if I was ever coming back. I AM SO ASHAMED. These memories haunt me. They put me in check today. When these memories popped in my head before, I would drink a bottle of wine to numb the shame. It's time to face my past. I would have never decided to leave my 3 year old baby with a stranger, if it wasn't for my selfish addiction. I wanted to go party and get hammered, I let that overrule my nurturing as a mother.

I'm a total different person today, 15 years later, but with the exact same addiction. Although I was constantly finding ways to be a good person, it didn't matter. My evenings with wine would erase all my efforts of being a good person. Every morning I would restart. I would tell myself that today is the day, I'm solely a good person, and not juggling this other ugly person living inside me. I have fought and battled this ugly person for so many years, I am exhausted. It's more exhausting to fight yourself, than it is to fight to be sober.

I think this time around, being sober, I have made a life long commitment, rather than fixing the problem temporarily. I'm a neat freak, and I love to purge my home a lot. So now I'm doing that on the inside. It's time to officially purge that crap out of my life. I choose to forgive myself, in order to take a step forward. That's the only way I can do this now, purge purge purge!