Day 7 – Pacifier

Hey there fellow drinkers. Today I was in robot mode. I was here physically, but not mentally. I was not angry, sad, unhappy, happy, scared.... I didn't have any emotions today. I'm hopeful my mood will change within time, so I'm not too worried. I typically will start my day by connecting with God, thanking Him for another beautiful chance to live, read out of my 'Jesus Calling' book and Bible, and pray for anyone who needs it. I couldn't today. I know this sounds awful but I don't want to thank God for the suffering I'm experiencing. I know I should be grateful and blessed for the amazing life that I have, and I hate sounding like a spoiled brat. I'm just being raw and honest, not sugar coating anything here. Today I knew what I needed to get done, and I did it. The positive today was that I was able to start and finish all my projects. I am usually productive, but finishing a project isn't my thing. I start to get extreme anxiety during the day any time I start thinking about how I am going to cope that night.

Right now, it's 9:00 pm. Tonight I've been revisiting in my head some of the several embarrassing and terrible things that I did in the past when I was drunk. There are so many to choose from, it isn't that hard. Would you like to hear one? I might as well start spilling the beans. It makes me cringe to think of this stuff, it's great wine control. I was so dependent on wine, that I would take my daughter to dance, drop her off, go all the way back home so I could drink half a bottle of wine, then go back to pick her up an hour later. Yes I drove with her. So f'n selfish. I must have had angels protecting us, thank God I did not hurt anyone or kill anyone. I would go home and finish the bottle, possibly break into a second depending on the day I had. Just one of the many things I let wine take priority daughters. I love them with all my heart and willing to do whatever it takes to show them.

Tonight it's been pretty bad, again. So I got some ginger ale out of the fridge and poured it into my fancy oversize wine glass. It actually looked like chardonnay. I was holding it and sipping it like it was wine (I know that's not healthy for me) but it was so comforting to me, like a pacifier to a baby I suppose. Then I realized how ridiculous that sounded, so I poured my ginger ale out, put the wine glass in the dishwasher and got a regular glass out. I can't focus on anything but wine. It can happen when I'm standing there hugging my little girl, isn't that so sad? I try to put a smile on my face, and everyone keeps asking me, "What's wrong? Are you okay? Are you sad?" It's like my entire family that has been living with me that watched me drink so much every day, now forgets? I try hard not to let it get to me, it does. I don't want to act like a robot, I just want to be "fun" again, without the alcohol. How come I cannot have fun? I don't want to laugh or smile right now. That is abnormal for me.

This is painful. I guess we all need to suffer in our own ways. I knew this was going to be a tough road. It has been a tough night, again.

Keep on truckin...