Day 26 – Heartbreak

Today was very painful.
I sobbed several times.
I doubted my decision over and over.
I called my mom for advice.
I paced from room to room.
I stared out the window.
Canceled gymnastics.
Didn't work out.
Sick to my stomach.
I feel like I want to vomit even after hours.
I almost went to buy wine.
I stayed sober.
I am heartbroken.

I had to stand firm today with the threats I made to my 18 year old daughter. I kicked her out. She is turning to drugs and drinking and partying instead of finishing her senior year of high school. She was diagnosed almost a year ago with Borderline Personality Disorder, and she follows suit quite well. She is disconnected from feelings, she lies often, in trouble with the police multiple times, she is manipulative, she has intense anger outbursts, addiction to drugs and alcohol, has sugar daddies, trust issues, jealousy issues, and she thinks she is God's gift to all of us. She wasn't that way until the age of 12.

She is my first born. I had her when I was 22. I looked at her tiny, beautiful, perfect little face after she was born and could not believe she was mine. God is real. I knew it when I saw her. I knew my purpose in life.

Her Dad wasn't around much when she was born, so I moved from Arizona to Texas in search of help from my parents. For the first 8 years, her Dad put her on a pedestal, visited and called often, sent her gifts; then he got married and now has two new little girls. It's been a rough road for my daughter since she was put on a back burner.

18 years go by and I'm sitting here in bed, with puppies wrestling each other on top of me, trying to type out my 26th blog, trying to stay sober, so I can be a better mom. I need to be sober for my little girl. I'm terrified for her safety, she is a threat to herself. I want more than anything to erase this feeling of hopelessness. I pray to You, God, please help Your child, You love her, please show her how much You love her and she is not alone. She needs You. Place your loving arms around Your child tonight and let her feel your Presence. She truly is a gift to me, please do not take her away from me.

Amen