Day 21 – Urges

Fighting the urges tonight! Like big time! I honestly used every drop of strength I had to convince myself to not get a bottle of wine tonight. I had to go back and reread my blogs earlier, and remind myself some of the reasons why I chose sobriety.

I went into my 18 year old's room this morning. She had stuffed the blanket up with pillows and used fur from a jacket to fake her hair. At first, I thought it was her, I said her name louder and louder and she wouldn't wake up. I thought, sh*t, I don't want to pull back the covers and see her dead. I thought she was dead. I was mortified. As I walked closer I realized it was fake. Then I realized she was missing. She was supposed to be at school in the next hour. I called the police and while I was on the phone with the officer, she walked in.

Needless to say, I'm going through some serious challenges with my daughter: jail, police, narcotics, borderline personality disorder, car accidents, and an absent father (he got a new family when she turned 4). She is absolutely gorgeous and could be a model. She is incredibly smart, her SAT scored top 10% across the US. It's so sad to see her flush it all down the toilet for a fix.

Since she was a freshman, she started getting into serious trouble. I constantly was taking her to therapists and psychiatrists to help her with her addiction, personality disorder, anxiety and depression. I was the pot calling the kettle black. I needed help with being bipolar, I needed help with being an alcoholic, and I needed help for my depression. Every therapist appointment I thought, oh no, is she in there telling them what an awful drunk I can be? I continued to take her despite feeling that was a possibility. It was agonizing in the waiting room. After a while I would think, the therapist is looking at me differently now, great they know. I'll just stop on the way home and pick up a bottle of red wine, it will take care of those annoying feelings.

So today was pretty crappy. I am hoping tomorrow is easier, because I really almost messed up tonight. Luckily I kept thinking, I can't break my days of sobriety! I don't want to start over! My husband keeps telling me, honey, it's okay if you want to splurge once and a while, I'm okay with you drinking wine occasionally if you need to. He is extremely loving, he doesn't want to see me in agony, but I know he really wants me to stay sober.

My 12 year old daughter knows that I'm on day 21. She came into my room last night, and she said, "I found this article on the benefits of red wine. Can I read you the benefits?" I said, "Yes of course." She said, "1) fights cancer, 2) helps your heart, 3) helps your brain function....". I love this kid so much. She has dealt with my drunkenness so many times but she loves me so much she is willing to take the risk, to let me drink, just so she can make me happy. I grabbed her, I held her tight, I told her I loved her so much, I thanked her, and then explained I wish I could stop at one, but I can't. I told her she is the sweetest in the whole world."

When you are an alcoholic, it's so easy to walk through those open doors. I need those doors to stay shut. I can't possibly even have it cracked open in the slightest.

Time for me to go to sleep and hopefully put these cravings to sleep, too...