Day 14 – Roofied

I have been prescribed 20 mg of prozac daily, for the past 8 years. I'm pretty sure I missed 75% of those doses when I was drunk. I know all that alcohol stopped the positive affects that prozac was capable of providing me. The thing is, I'm not really noticing an improvement in my mood yet after taking 20 mg, every single day for the past 14 days in a row. Understandably, I didn't expect that sobriety was going to be a ray of sunshine or a walk in the park. I did think the prozac, once taking it as prescribed, would give me a boost. I was hoping it would help. I don't think I have a boost. I work very hard to continue throughout the day knowing I won't be drinking tonight, or ever. I get sad! Why? It's so crazy to me, I lost my Dad in 2010, and I'm suffering close to the amount I experienced when I lost my Dad. I had to force myself to get up in the morning and do life all over again the next day. That's kind of what I'm doing now.

So we moved to Washington July 2016. We didn't know a single person. It was just my husband, two daughters, dog and cat, and me. My oldest is quite the handful and I would run to wine each time her chaotic and dramatic behavior exploded like fireworks. I dealt with hardships through wine, not the proudest of that. So I realized I had a "problem", and I stopped right when we moved here (I stopped an uncountable number of times). I didn't count the sober days, I counted by week, and still didn't admit to myself at that time that I was an alcoholic. I merely told myself that I had a "problem", and I would just stop drinking most of the time. I still had every intention of drinking at special occasions, parties, restaurants, holidays, etc. I would manage to go for 3 weeks at a time being sober, and then really blow it out of the water at a girls night out or some stupid event. It was just rewarding myself for good behavior. I would, in a matter of days, fall right back into the cycle of one to two bottles of wine per night.

During the sober part of my cycle, after moving here to Washington, my oldest daughter had a psychotic episode; screaming and throwing stuff. She is super tiny, but we are still terrified of her. I think mostly because we know that we could hurt her, and we don't want to hurt her. I was calm during the episode, I said, "Pack your sh*t, I'm driving you to the airport and putting you on a flight back to Texas". We drove 2 hours to the airport in traffic. I said, "Good luck." and put her on a one way flight back to Texas. I was holding it in until I got back to my car, I just cried and cried. I felt awful, but I knew it was time for tough love. She was so disrespectful, did not follow our rules, and being destructive.

On the way back home, after I put her on the flight, I called my husband, "I need some time alone, I'm going to stop at the bar on the coast, have a glass of wine and will be home shortly."

During the short time I was at the bar, an old man tried to talk to me, showing me pictures of this teenager skank on his phone, and I soon got a creepy vibe from him. I even told him he was making me feel uncomfortable and to leave me alone. Not paying attention to what is going on around me, being on my phone, I was on my third glass of wine, I blacked out completely. I don't remember what happened next, my husband had to tell me:

I had attempted to call him once around 9:00 pm, he couldn't get a hold of me afterwards. Luckily we share our locations, and by 10:00 he had found me. I was in the driver seat of my BMW ( I say BMW because I want to emphasize how good I really do have it). I was repeatedly vomiting all over myself, my pretty dress, my pretty car - bloody vomit. I was totally out of it and couldn't speak. My husband described an old man that sat in my passenger seat. My husband yelled at the man, "Get the hell away from my wife!" My husband lifted me out of my car, put me in his truck, and brought me home.

I woke up sometime in the morning. I had dark reddish/brownish vomit stained all over my clothes, and did not know what happened at that point. Apparently there was a picture I took of the sunset on my phone and made a phonecall to my husband soon after. I don't remember either.

The next day I felt like I was dying! I kept vomiting all day long, and it wasn't a normal hangover feeling. My husband told me that he assumed I was "hooking up" with the old man. He was very upset and disappointed in me. I told him that it all didn't make sense, I got creepy vibes and told the man to leave me alone. I blacked out after 3 glasses of wine, where I usually can kill 2 bottles and still remember at least something from the night. I didn't feel like it was my fault this time. My husband had been through me being too wasted at a bar and not coming home. I still to this day cannot convince my husband that I was roofied that night. I don't blame him though, I've put him through the ringer several times, why should he believe me now?

I felt raped, violated, angry, and dirty. I don't know that old man's name. I don't know where I can find him. When I could have gone to the bar and asked questions, I didn't because I was too ashamed of what happened. I put myself in that situation. If I never stopped at that bar for "a glass of wine", I would have never been drugged that evening. No, I don't have proof, I tell my husband, still when he brings it up in arguments today.

I don't know if he felt me up. I don't know if he was going to rape me or kill me. I just know that I need to remember these stories to help me stay sober.